I like this one...
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so
that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a
further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the
even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by
playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no
doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation
then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget
to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of
your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm
and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my
telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your
no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled
bollock-jugglers. I have been informed:
that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one
of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that
they had attained the holy piss-pot of God-awful customer relations,
that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or
more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose
NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised
I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are
sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest
order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my
futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest
that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort
payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,
Yours psychotically,
XXX
