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Adam is wandering around the Garden of Eden, bored. "God, I'm bored!" he says. "Ok", says God, "I could create a womanfor you." "What's one of those?" asks Adam. "A woman will be the perfect companion for you, asoul-mate. Someone you can share your happiness and troubles with. She will bethe most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have evercreated. She will know your every mood and how to make you happy. She will cookyou meals, clean your house, clothe you and ..." "And what?" interrupts Adam impatiently. "And you can even do some procreating, so that youcan have lots of children who will look after you in your old age". "Sounds great." says Adam, "What do I needto do to get one?" "Well", says God, "YOU don't need to doanything, but I will need to take some bits from you. A rib, a lung, a kidney,an arm, a leg and a testical should do. You have got more than one of all those bits, so you shouldget along just fine". "You must be joking" says Adam, "What do Iget for just one rib?" he asks. The rest, as they say, is history. I'll be here all week!

[ATTACH=CONFIG]199547[/ATTACH]

Here are two guys with a lot of time on their hands making a light hearted film about what it can be like selling your supra to someone who should never own one. Filmed using his tumble dryer

So who's up for it?

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside was heard to scream: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too bloody late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

Aiming at the South African market, I am doing bespoke bathroom door locks, any investors interested?

Courtesy of herbiemercman

I decided to value my 2 cars with 'we buy any car' for a bit of fun (being on guard on an RAF Stn drives you mad to try these things)! I did my 97 a3 1.8T and it came back at 270 quid. So I got thinking, what about my Supra? A TT6 import with 58K on the clock (black on BBS RS). It comes in at 3,320 quid!!! Haha!!!! Well off I think! Has anybody else got this desperate for entertainment to try it with theirs?

lmfao. http://www.musclehorsepower.com/the-cheapest-racing-exhaust-in-the-world/#

Veet Hair Removal for men!!! THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!: After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect ~ Cerys

Got to laugh at this, well i did anyway,

I was sent this mp4 from an early Chrysler US training video, it was probably the first use of video for training workshop personnel. Not much has changed in the realms of customer service at main dealers (listen to the ending ). http://www.newbury-house.com/chrysler.mp4

Doesn't get going until 1 min or so in, but it's definitely worth a listen [video=youtube;vaGFV0YJg-0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaGFV0YJg-0

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

A Greek and a Spanish town were twinned. One year the Greek mayor went to visit his counterpart - he was blown away by his house - marble everywhere and gold taps. The Greek mayor asked how he managed to have a house like that. The Spanish mayor replied 'see that bridge over there. We got an EU grant for a 2 lane bridge. I built a one lane bridge and installed traffic lights at each end - the rest of the money built this house. When the Spanish mayor went to visit the Greek mayor he was blown away by his house - utterly amazing. 'How did you do this?' he questioned. The Greek mayor replied 'do you see the bridge over there?' the Spanish mayor replied 'no'. And that my friends, sums up the Greek problem.

Why there are no male agony aunts for women... Dear Jim Last week I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile my car broke down, so I walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my 16 year old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform with my husband bent over her. I am devastated, can you help? Sally. Dear Sally A common cause for this is dirt in your carburetor. Don't let your fuel drop to low in the tank. Hope this helps JIm

Hi all I'm considering getting one of these for the dogs a p reg 3.0 diesel,anyone on here ever owned one could tell me there experiences,many thanks

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. Have a look at the pciture first to get you in the mood! . . . . . . . . . . A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very 'matter-of-factly'... 'I think the man would have said: "Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!" The teacher had to leave the room..

Travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advises you to carry a shovel, a flask of hot tea, a pair of wellies, a bag of rock salt & a couple of blankets. . . . . . . . . . I looked a right flippin knobhead on the bus.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money. · I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. · Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? · Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far? · Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. · I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. · Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way. · Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine. · I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. · I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. · If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. · Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? · If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together. · There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you. · Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. · You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. · That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it? · There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you. · Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see! · Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. · Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. · Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met. · Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance? · Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me. · Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I? · Be unique and different, say yes. · You make me so nervous and flustered, I've completely forgotten my standard pick-up line. · Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. · Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's. · Excuse me I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me tonight. · If you were a buger I would pick you first. · You: Can I borrow a quarter? She: why? ( if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why) You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. (have something quick to say afterwards) · Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world. · He: Excuse me, want to dance? She: No. He: Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants! · He : Hey Baby ... Wanna dance? She : No. He : Oh, C'mon! Lower you're standards a little. I did... · He : Hey, Stop! She : What? He : You're undressing me with your eyes... I know you're doing it. STOP! · Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya. · I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours? · What is a slutty girl like you doing in a classy place like this? OOPS! I mean, what is nice girl like you doing in a dump like this? (Phew) · Hi, my name's {name}. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight! · My name is {name}, but you can call me anything at all. Just call me. · I can't wait until tomorrow. She replys why not. You say cause you look better everyday. · Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet. · Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business. · Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me? · If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me? · Wow! Are those real? · Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day! · If I let you suck on my tongue would you be greatful? · Are you tired? Cause you've been running through my mind all day! · If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together! · I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel. · Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? · Are you a surgeon? CAuse you've just took my heart away! · Have I seen you before? OH yeah it was in the dictionary under the word KABLAM!! · There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass. · You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast. · My pickup line was published on the Internet... Would you like to hear it. · Hey gorgeous the power company is looking for you you're so electrifying. · I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet. · Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!! · Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get. · I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. · As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn! · I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Now this really made me chuckle

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX? Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having. Below you will find a list of companies, catering for most tastes. 1. Sex with wife: Legal & General. 2. Sex on the phone: Direct Line. 3. Sex with partner: Standard Life. 4. Sex with someone different: Go Compare. 5. Sex with a fat bird: More Than. 6. Sex in a car: Sheila's Wheels. 7. Sex with a posh bird: Privileged. 8. Sex with a tranny: Confused.com.

Hey , thought id start a funny video thread. ill start; anyone seen any of; With Zach Galifianakis' Between Two Ferns stuff? if you like him from the hangover and havent seen them its worth a watch. Here s a sort of montage of the episodes. you can find them all on the same funny or die website. Contains some swearing in in case you are at work or are offended by that kinda thing... http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/4nz0

An elderly couple are waiting in the doctors waiting room hoping to get some advice on their sex life, after a while the receptionist sends them through to see the doctor and they both sit down. " What seems to be the problem"? he asks, The old boy sits himself up straight and says to the doctor " I just cant satisfy my wife anymore", "But its not like i don't try, and i dont have any problems down there", "it just seems like nothing works for her anymore". "I see" says the doctor, "well this is'nt an uncommon problem, and im sure theres something we can do for you". "Now there is a new program were trying, whereby we send a trained member of staff round to your home, and try and introduce some new techniques and see if we get some passion back in the bedroom", "How does that sound"? Quick as a flash the old women chirps in and agree's to go along with the doctors advice. A few days later there is a knock at the door, the women pulls open the door and is instantly taken back by the figure she see's outside. A young man in his early 30's, well built, dark skinned and short blonde hair, he turn's to her and says " Hi im Jason, im here to help with your little problem. She invites him in and after a short chat they make their way up to the bedroom. The old boy is already in bed and is feeling a little foolish infront of this strapping young guy. " Right then" says the young chap, " i want you to start getting into your normal routine, and ill observe thing from there" After a short while he can clearly see that the old chap is giving it his all, but the old dear just isn't feeling the magic. He decides its time to try and help out and unzipps his bag. He pulls out a bright coloured flag, and instructs the old chap to try and keep his hip movments to the same rhythm as he waves the flag. So the flag goes up........ And the flag goes down...... Then back up....... And then back down. The old boy tries his best to keep up, but after ten grueling minutes the wife just isn't any closer to being satisfied. " Forget it" snapp's the old guy, "It just cant be done, you young guys think you know everything but i bet you could'nt even turn her on!" " Infact i dare you to try" The young guy looks over at the old women and starts wondering if he could even go through with such a thing, " come on come on" yell's the chap, "Prove me wrong" So the young chap gets undressed and slips into bed with the old dear. After a few minutes the bed starts rocking and the springs are making all kinds of noises. At that very moment the old guy grab's the flag and starts waving it like mad, " come on come on! " he says again, "keep up with the flag". by now the women is screaming out with pleasure and thrashing about the bed like a mad thing. Suddenly the guy jumps out of bed, grab's his clothes and runs out of the house. To which point the old guy now feeling smug looks back at his wife who is beside herself with pleasure, and he simply says to her " Now thats how you wave a flag "