Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work, not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the
first place, you fat bastard.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after,
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with
whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All
he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid
for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find
the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
