fizzle Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 . to cut a very long story short i just split with my mrs after 8 years (tomorrow).. things havent been great for a while and a few months ago she cheated on me with a m8 whilst drunk at a party (she still claims she doesnt remember what happened) anyway i took her back and tried forget about it, but every time she goes out drinkin with her m8's i get very suspicious and worried what might happen. i then find out she is still friends with this guy, and was drinkin with him the other week at another friends. We had an argument earlier and i told her my concerns and that i didnt trust her, she went mad and just couldnt see my point of view when i asked her how she could still hang out with this guy she told me she won't be dictated who her friends are and she didnt want to lose a 10 year friendship over rumours (as she doesn't remember). So i got a bit nasty and told her exactly what i thought and had been bottling up for the last 2months, obviously this wasn't pleasant or repeatable on public forums now i feel really bad, even though it was all the truth and i couldn't hold it in anymore.. at the end of the day she cheated on me (supposedly) i tried to play the big man and forgive and forget and try keep my relationship going but its eating me up, and making me miserable and suspicious did i do the right thing? am i going insane? need guys and gals point of view please! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcAB10 Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 IMO you did the right thing. Always walk away if someone cheats on you, things will never be the same after. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The-Plethora Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Pack up and move on mate. Its not worth the hassle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bradleyh_15 Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 do you know for sure she cheated on you though? as you put supposedly in brackets! if not you could be jumping to conclusions and then you can see it from the other side of the coin! however if she did then you done the right thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RCK10 Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 To be honest mate, i dont really think whether she did it or not matters by the sounds of things. You dont trust her and that pretty much says it all. You cant have a relationship without trust. I'd say you've done the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bradleyh_15 Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 You dont trust her and that pretty much says it all. You cant have a relationship without trust. I'd say you've done the right thing. fair point mate! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tricky-Ricky Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 The fact that she went mad because you voiced your concerns, given that she cheated on you, the whole reaction sounds like guilt and denial, and she values a ten year friendship over here marriage kind of says it all really. Trust is a very hard thing to recover once broken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzle Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 do you know for sure she cheated on you though? as you put supposedly in brackets! if not you could be jumping to conclusions and then you can see it from the other side of the coin! however if she did then you done the right thing! i wasn't there so not 100% sure, they were flirtatious and drinking together at the pub first then headed back to a m8s afterwards for more drinks.. everyone else there commented and felt uncomfortable with the situation but they continued ,they then went off to the bathroom for an hour and it wasnt till a m8 banged on the door they came out looking all flustered.. they were then asked to leave.. it was a week or so before i found out.. now the guy has a reputation for exactly this sort of thing, she's not a drug user, smoker etc so rules that out, and he certainly not the type of guy to hold your hair back if your puking etc especially when her best m8 is sitting downstairs who's a nurse and the usual hair holder! it was her group of friends that were present not mine, so i see no reason why they would lie to me about it, they have fallen out with her over it as well, as they think it was bang out of order.. but she still doesnt remember anything and therefore wont admit or deny anything, neither accept any responsibility for the situation she has put me in.. for me, not knowing is worse as it's constantly on my mind as to what actually happened... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HadeS Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Feal really sorry for you mate but, I had that before and I did forgive and forgote about all things, after couple of months it happend again. There are different cases but in the end of the day you should know which way to chose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 The trust is gone, no point continuing in a relationship like that..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Attero Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Certainly is the right thing. Cheating or not, no trust. Just life I'm afraid. But also remember for the future, I've had the same problems previously where I've been told by best mates that I've been cheated on when I actually haven't. I kept my trust and held my head high remembering that even the closest of friends can be willing to split you up with your mrs. This is why I don't trust anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benkei Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Not knowing will drive you insane. Your mind will fill in the gaps and create all kind of scenarios. Whether she did or didn't sleep with him, going to a bedroom with the guy is enough, WHY would she do that? We all know what it suggests, and no amount of alcohol will lead you to believe it's innocent. You say he has a reputation for this kind of thing... In that case I'd be havng strong words with this guy, as to WTF he thinks he's doing taking your wife to the bedroom! Alcohol doesn't change who you are, it simply makes you less concerned with what others think and let's you do things more openly and comfortably that you would normally do sober. It's easy to blame what you do on drink, but it's no excuse, you still know if you're fucking someone. As for 'not remembering', what a cop-out. Easy excuse, and no evidence or consistent story needed to back it up. You can't disprove this statement either. If you don't trust her, and she values this guy's 'friendship' over your marraige, then she's not the one for you. You know in your heart how you feel and what you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supra steveo Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 no your not going insane mate, it may kill you to think of how things could of been but you will only get worse and you will get more and more paranoid , i am going to say something now and ive never talked about much on here, but in Dec 2008 my ex-wive to be, had an affair to say she played with my head was a massive understatement and looking back i think she was playing the field the whole time we were together it drove me to situations i never ever thought i would be in, from getting drunk and trying to force as many pills down my neck as i could get my hands on, to fighting with armed police and rolling round in my front room at 4 in the morning, i think what i wanted was to just be erased from everything i wanted all photos of me destroyed and i just wanted to die and be forgotten about think what i am trying to say to you is be happy with the decision you have made and there is a better life with out her, you will find some one else who you can trust oh and there are a few things on here i can see that related to my ex, for one she would go mad if the truth was thrown in her face and go completely mad if she never got her own way Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonathanc Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Hmmm from what I've read you are not 100% sure of the situation? I believe as any female they would get mighty offended if they were accussed of something they didn't do! I would advice you both to have a wee talk after both really calmed down. Trust me, things can get really distorted at the heat of the moment. If you feel that you still have feelings for your missus then I advice you to have a talk with her. I mean from what I've read everything you know is not from her...it's from what you've heard? If this is with my wife I would get her to sit down with me and have a serious discussion. I've been in your shoes before (although it was with my ex-gf not wife) and trust me it all felt better after talking things through no matter what the outcome is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bradleyh_15 Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 i wasn't there so not 100% sure, they were flirtatious and drinking together at the pub first then headed back to a m8s afterwards for more drinks.. everyone else there commented and felt uncomfortable with the situation but they continued ,they then went off to the bathroom for an hour and it wasnt till a m8 banged on the door they came out looking all flustered.. they were then asked to leave.. it was a week or so before i found out.. now the guy has a reputation for exactly this sort of thing, she's not a drug user, smoker etc so rules that out, and he certainly not the type of guy to hold your hair back if your puking etc especially when her best m8 is sitting downstairs who's a nurse and the usual hair holder! it was her group of friends that were present not mine, so i see no reason why they would lie to me about it, they have fallen out with her over it as well, as they think it was bang out of order.. but she still doesnt remember anything and therefore wont admit or deny anything, neither accept any responsibility for the situation she has put me in.. for me, not knowing is worse as it's constantly on my mind as to what actually happened... I know its unlikely but if the guy is like what you say may he have slipped something into a drink and hence why she can't remember! unfortunately it is getting more and more common these days! but as you say not knowing is worse! im sorry this has happened to you and I hope the pain pass's and you get everything back on track soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevie_b Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Some good advice here as ever. I'm not saying anything here that hasn't already been said but here's my views: - I can't help thinking that the "can't remember, too drunk" thing is just an excuse. Without knowing your partner I don't know if she's the sort of girl who'd use that as an excuse or whether she really means it. Unfortunately the former group tends to outnumber the latter by some considerable margin. - Relationships need trust, and you need to be able to talk about issues with your other half. If you can't talk things through, it's not going to work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jspec Germany Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 A woman who loves you never would have put herself in the situation to "not remember". Move on. She's not worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dnk Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 A woman who loves you never would have put herself in the situation to "not remember". Move on. She's not worth it. Wise words indeed. From suffering a very similar personal situation my advice is move on. I don't understand putting a friendship over your relationship, never have and never will ! All the best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geo Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Simple Leave........ She'l soon realise thats she's lost the Best thing in you. Plent fish in the sea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aweegin Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 ...you only get one life..if you are not happy..move on. You may never know the truth of what happened...all you can do is decide whether you can live knowing that fact, hoping it will all work out...or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Porky1978 Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 My (soon to be ex) wife chose to be friends again with an ex boyfriend who cheated on her some 17 years ago. She ended up cutting herself, attempting suicide, etc when it all happened. I told her to make a choice, him or me, as i was the one who picked up the pieces, etc. She chose him. The end of 13 years together. Stay strong, you have made the right decision. Alex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kill1308 Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Sorry to hear that dude. Without trust there is no relationship... if she was locked in the bathroom with a guy for an hour, then you can hedge bets that they weren't talking about the universe. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's clear that if she puts herself in a situation like that then there is something amiss. Even though you've already invested many years in the relationship, that should not be the reason for causing yourself further pain. If you do not trust her, it will eat you away and you will question every little thing she does, which would almost certainly end up causing the relationship to fail. You have to ask yourself the following question.... Do you trust her? If the answer to this question is no... then maybe the writing is on the wall, relationships do not work without trust. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Septic Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 No op you are right. I couldn't have summed it up better than the guys on here. Porky, I really feel for you man. I hope I'm not out of place when I say this but your ex is being horridly selfish and completely irrational considering what happened in the past. Good luck to both of you. If its any consolation, its their loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Porky1978 Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Porky, I really feel for you man.QUOTE] Cheers fella. Was for the best in the end. I have now found a cracking/gorgeous/sexy new woman. OP, there is someone out there for you who you can build a trusting relationship with. Just forget the other one, she obviously never loved you enough to do that to you. Mine didnt, thats why we are no longer together. Trust yourself to make the right decision and dont EVER look back and think what might have been. I have been there and it aint worth it mate. PM me if you want advice etc. Good luck matey. Alex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzle Posted June 28, 2010 Author Share Posted June 28, 2010 sorry to hear about all the similar stories, looks like it's not uncommon the only problem i have is i do believe her when she says she can't remember what happened, she is a terrible drunk and i have literally dragged her across a field back to her parents after a wedding bash in their village and she didn't remember any of it the next day.. i have never had any reason to mistrust her in the 8 years we've been together and she regularly goes out of town to her friends and goes out on the lash etc.. i have never given it a second thought hence the reason i took her back, but just can't put it out my mind and then all previous outings etc are now playing on my mind also... bumped into to her this morning and it all got very tearful (which i am rather ashamed of as i wanted to remain strong) she wants to talk later, do think i should go or just draw a line under it all?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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