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Xmas Give-away 2007 #4

mawby

By mawby,
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keancy Newbie

keancy

Posted
Posted
Currently listening to Lee Evans on Youtube at work, can you do that?[/Quote]

 

Can look and read but nothing with sound realy as people in next office would hear and stich me up no doubt. :(

 

 

And I am dumped. :rlol:

 

AAwwww, nooooooooo James never!!! ;)

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Gaz6002 Newbie

Gaz6002

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Here you go Keancy:-

 

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

 

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

 

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

 

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

 

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

 

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

 

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

 

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

 

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

 

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name. It's P something T something R.

 

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

 

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

 

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

 

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

 

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

 

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

 

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

 

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

 

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

 

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought that's Aboriginal.

 

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

 

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

 

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

 

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

 

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

 

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"

He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

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Mcgoo Newbie

Mcgoo

Posted
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Here you go Keancy:-

 

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

 

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

 

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

 

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

 

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

 

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

 

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

 

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

 

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

 

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name. It's P something T something R.

 

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

 

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

 

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

 

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

 

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

 

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

 

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

 

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

 

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

 

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought that's Aboriginal.

 

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

 

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

 

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

 

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

 

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

 

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"

He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

 

:rlol:

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keancy Newbie

keancy

Posted
Posted

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........

 

 

Someone speak to me then??

 

 

 

 

:D Only kidding, that one made me chuckle, Thanks x

 

Here you go Keancy:-

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

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