THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[imagine that...]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Hard but fair]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Tut tut]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[Those pandas are so cute]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[Lazy bastards]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[Worth giving it a go]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[Yes, it does that]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think so?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who'd have thought it?]
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[No shit, Sherlock?]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[stronger than sticky back plastic]
Man Struck by Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[Put him to work while he's still twitching]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[You lot are just not fat enough]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[stinking space fella]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Tastes a bit like chicken, apparently]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead