Wednesday Rant

1. Old twats in Micras who have shrunk to 2ft tall, can't see over the steering wheel and have a reaction time measured in days who drive at full revs with the clutch depressed at 5mph.

2. Caravans. And the sad, pointless shitwads who drive them anywhere just to sit in a mobile shithouse sleeping with their noses 12 inches from a chemical bog in a room that permanently smells of calor gas and toast. It might be convenient for you because you're at the front of the 4 mile tailback you're causing you selfish arse and can't see the frigging queue behind you. Just stay at home if you like it so much.

3. Morons in Drive Thru Macdonalds who, between the time you've driven from Window 1 to Window 2, have managed to completely screw up your order. You thick fuckers, its not difficult, its a Cheeseburger and chips not rewiring a nuclear power station. Just do us all a favour and stay in bed tossing off to Trisha.

4. People who say axe instead of ask. You say that to me one more time and I'm gonna take you to the fucking Bronx and let them beat you to death you pleboid retard.

5. Go-faster fog lights on in the day. For fucks sake, its a fucking Escort, you're not fooling anyone into believing that you're a rally driver and that your car is a 'sleeper'. Just drive off a cliff and see if your fog lights will save you then - twat.

6. Fat people who blame their glands or big bones. Fuck off, you eat too much you Weeble. Put down the chocolate and go for a run, and not to Macdonalds either.

7. Bad spelling. Does my bastard tree in. You remember the times at school when you were wiping your snot under your desk and not listening - well if you'd listened instead you'd have discovered that definite is not spelled defanite and that's why you definitely can't get a job. And robbing is not a career.

8. Farmers. You're not hard done to. If I was paid thousands to sit on my arse and not plough my field I'd bloody well do it. They sit there in their RR Vogue SEs whinging like frigging girls as they drive around their 300 acres shooting poor people. Just shut up you cloth capped inbreds.

9. Not been able to phone my local bank anymore. Instead I get re-routed to bloody deepest India where I can only understand one word in ten. You tight bastard bank, you make shitting billions every year from us, have the common decency to employ the poor fuckers who line your pockets and who can pronounce my bleeding name.

10. Non-indicating lorries. You sit there watching me in your mirrors until I'm 12 feet from you then you swerve out right in front of me to overtake another lorry only taking 20 bastard minutes to do so. Stick the freight back on the trains.

11. Global Warming. Bag of shite. You tree hugging, 2CV driving, unwashed, bearded (including the women), dungaree wearing, lentil-chewing bell ends are just jealous that you can't get laid so you just spend all day blaming us for destroying the planet. Farting cows do more damage then we do so go shout at the bloody farmers. And get a fucking haircut whilst you're out you layabout. And a job.

12. Beggars with dogs. If you're hungry, eat the fucking dog. If you're skint, sell the fucking dog. And get a fucking haircut whilst you're out you layabout. And a job.

13. Bikers who tailgate. One day I'm going to slam on the brakes and piss myself stupid as you go sailing over my car and slam into the back of the caravan I'm stuck behind. You never get nicked for speeding and always drive on the wrong side of the road. You have to spend an hour dressing up in your bondage gear just to go round the shop for a pint of milk you freak.

LMAO that was funny any more pearls of wisdom

awesome!! hope that helped you feel better!!

Oh yes, there's more - I'm cleansing my soul before I go out and wipe out half my town with an AK47!

14. The PC Crowd. I can't say a frigging word now for fear of upsetting some bugger. If they spent more time doing a real job instead of looking for intolerance where it doesn't fucking exist (until they 'discover' it) we'd all get along much better. We're such a namby-pamby state that we might as well stay in and swallow a bottle of Paracetamol.

15. Equality. Bunch of bollocks. You want it this way, you want it that way. When you get one thing you want something else. And when you don't get it your way, we get taken to court for being sexist. It's like shopping for shoes, be happy with the first pair and stop fucking about dragging us around until all we want to do is bury you under the patio. Open your own fucking doors, stop whinging and get a job so that, just for a change, I can spend all day chatting to my mates in Starbucks about how Brad Pitt is such a git. Fucking whiners. And iron my shirt whilst you're out of the room crying just because Eastenders was 'sad'.

16. Lettuce. Bastard waste of space. Created solely by sandwich companies to pad out piss-poor sandwiches. Its just solid green water that tastes of fuck all. Stick some more chicken in there instead you money-grabbing gits.

17. People who sue when they fall over a crack in the pavement. Watch where you're going instead you cack-eyed twat and pick your fucking feet up when you walk. Don't go suing the bloody council - they've got enough to worry about housing blind lesbians with no hands who only want to sue a company who didn't employ them as a typist on the grounds of discrimination. Complete cock.

18. Ring tone adverts. Get off my fucking telly. I pay good bloody money to watch piss poor programmes instead, don't go shagging up the only good bits flogging off crappy impersonations that sound shit on the telly let alone on your phone.

19. People who respond to those adverts. You daft cunts. You deserve it when you get that bill for £500. Don't stand there open mouthed when it turns up and ask how that happened.

20. Those people who stand in WH Smith all day reading the magazines. Just frigging well buy the damned thing you tight arsed shit. You block the bloody place up so I can't get my magazine and you invariably smell of stale piss, BO and cigarettes. Staff in there should be allowed to carry guns and shoot any twat who stands there for more than a minute. If you can't afford the mag you sure as fuck can't afford what's in there. Just piss off back to your caravan.

21. Modern Art. What a truck load of wank. Unmade bed? Do fuck off. On that basis my place is a gallery teaming with statements challenging the modern stereotypical comment of the norm. You can't paint, that's the bottom line you art college drop out. But no, instead of learning to be a plumber you take a crap in a cornflake box, put a caption card near it and call it 'The Circle of Life' or some other wank title. Go away, just go away.

22. Art Critics. Stop encouraging the above you twats. They're shit. They can't draw. Tell them that. Then go away, with them, far away, and stop pretending you knew what they were thinking at the time. You fucking well did not. They weren't going through a 'blue period' you spanner, they ran out of red paint and were too bastard idle to go to the shop. End of.

23. Caviar. Smells of minge, taste of minge. Over priced, over rated fish shit.

24. People in Supermarkets. What's up with you, you go mute when you walked in the door? If you want me to move, say something, don't stand there ramming you trolley into my ankles tutting loudly. And why oh why do you have to stand there with your trolley chatting to your mate blocking the whole aisle? Come back at 3am and do your shopping then and chat to your frigging heart's content, but for now, get the fuck out of my way so that I can fill my trolley with beer and car mags. Bloody inbreds.

25. Asparagus. Makes your piss smell awful for days. Doesn't say that on the fucking packet does it.

26. People who ask "If a tree falls in a forest and there's no-one there to see it, does it make a noise". Of course it does you fuckwit. Now stop asking that fucking question, stop talking to me, get a haircut, get a job and fuck the hell off.

27. Road Signs. Somebody, somewhere is sat in an office pissing themselves stupid. You take a turning that clearly states where you're going. Next junction - fuck all. You are having a fucking laugh. Tell me where I need to go you twats. And stop telling me this village 'Welcomes Careful Drivers' - what a bastard waste of money that is, you might as well put 'This village has gravity' for all the fucking good it'll do.

28. Baby on Board stickers. Twats, twats, twats. I was going to ram you off the road but now I've seen that sticker I'll refrain - must be your lucky day. Knob.

29. Poetry. You made 2 words rhyme, whoopy fucking do.

30. Jazz. Why can't you all just learn the same fucking song and play it at the same time? It's like listening to 3 year olds bash saucepans. People who like jazz - no you don't, you just think more women will think you're intellectual and shag you. They won't. Why? Because you're fucking ugly, that's why.

I reckon this is vearing towards a post of the year. Classic Stuff!

Who wants to start a book on "how long until Ellis blows a blood vessel"?

I give him an hour and a half...

I wouldn't want to be around when he gets his first stone chip in that lovely new paint job

And stop telling me this village 'Welcomes Careful Drivers' - what a bastard waste of money that is, you might as well put 'This village has gravity' for all the fucking good it'll do.

Complete class .. keep 'em comming mate !

Shaun.

Don't tell me you've run out though?

Huh - bloody people who start a damn good thread then bugger off just when it gets interesting...

I thought Supra drivers were meant to be intellegent? The rant about equality is well....bollocks really!

I'm glad to see you didn't rant about female drivers - I think the dwarf wall (thats still lying in the bush outside my house thanks) speaks volumes!! Enough said!!

Stop ranting and concentrate on driving that SUPRA the way it should be driven!!!

ehehehheheeheh

could you not have tried to bleep out your swearing a bit?

could you not have tried to bleep out your swearing a bit?

I love that he used the 'c' word openly... not used enough these days...

Does anyone remember Mr Agreeable from the Melody Maker? kind of reminds me of that....

This is like "Ellis - Late Night & Uncut - Warning may contain scene that some viewers may find offence"...

Keep em coming kiddo....

I love that he used the 'c' word openly... not used enough these days...

 

Does anyone remember Mr Agreeable from the Melody Maker? kind of reminds me of that....

 

This is like "Ellis - Late Night & Uncut - Warning may contain scene that some viewers may find offence"...

 

Keep em coming kiddo....

Yeah it needed a warning before i opened it!!!

Sounds like we've found #31: People thinking they have a right to tell you how you should speak.

31. Westwood. YOU ARE NOT BLACK. Somebody buy the gimp a mirror. You sound like a twat. If there's a bomb to be dropped buddy it'll be on you. Respect. Wanker.

32. Hipster jeans and thongs on fat birds. Dear fucking god darling, do us a, favour and stay in. Bloody lard hanging all over the place, its putting me off my dinner. You're not thin, it doesn't look sexy, you are not going to get boned. Go home.

33. Tractors. They were built to drive across fields, so drive across them and stay the fuck off the roads. We know you're quite happy sat up there listening to the Grumbleweeds counting your cash but we're sat behind you getting sprayed in cow shit and sliding all over the road you over-subsidised donkeys and try pulling over once in a while you sister-shagging, six fingered tool.

34. Opera. Fuck off. A boring story well fucked up by warbling, wailing and screeching. If I want to hear that racket I'll slam my cat's knackers in the door.

And.... breathe!

Awesome post, keep 'em coming. :more:

I haven't laughed this much in such a long time!