CJ Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 9. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 11. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 12. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 13. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings and cheesecake. 14. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 15. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 16. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 17. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 18. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Hole In The Wall? right 9pm, Grand. See ya." 19. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 20. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?" 22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2JG Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 what a great way to start my day, with a smile! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mk47 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 haha made me laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max Headroom Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Crackin' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnA Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Very Tim Allen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voo51 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Weve got a guy at work who winks all the time, i found it disturbing- but i understand why he does it now!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 every one of them a true-ism! absolutely classic that Col Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian W Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 there's me thinking this was another thread about no1_boyracer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJ Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 The last one is definitely my fav Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 "4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!" Brilliant.... Great find Colin G Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest not.fussed Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Great stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pig Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Thanks for that! Absolutly brill! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Rob_ Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Superb.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kranz Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 A daily check list I think!! Excellent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlotte Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Excellent! 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. I have a particular affiliation to this one after a recent trip to the tip in which Mike uttered the words, 'don't you just love going to the tip'. Something about making as much noise as possible throwing our rubbish in the skips. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJ Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Myself and Josh call it "our favourite place" as we visit it most weekends to do exactly as you said above Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! I did this just the other day. My missus said "What are you doing? There's a perfectly good pencil sharpener indoors." She just doesn't understand... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green Peace Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Lol thats brillient, so true. Great Find Colin lol I used to think i was quite hard by succesfully opening a can of coke (in one quick go)when they had those pull rings that used to slice ya fingers off. At school my mates (yes i had some) used to say if ya cant wolf whistle or spit in a projectile motion then it meant ya gay lol. Also smoking Marlboro Lights is not hard it means you are either a women or you work in the media..got to be B&H or Marlboro Reds:p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobSheffield Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 its an oldie but a goodie Col, i love em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveR Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Loved these especially.... 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. I love really throwing stuff into the tip I used a circular saw to cut a channel in some plater once. Soooooo much dust and sparks and stuff - equally scary and fun. 17. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. Thought that was just me lol 19. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. That one made me laugh a lot, even tough I'm sure that F1 cars do have a reverse gear (they certainly used to) it's just that it's made out of paper or something. 22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". Yeah that one is class too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penguin Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 "4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!" Brilliant.... Great find Colin G you use a knife? here try using my axe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voo51 Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 being late to the pub ---- so true!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 I do love 'drinking up'.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkTheBoy Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 Very very funny, Especially - Being late for the pub & The power tools one :d Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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