> CLARKSON QUOTES"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not
> driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and
> sleeping on the couch.
> If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
>
> "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
> Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's
> full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get
> to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when
> I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
> together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
>
> "[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing
> than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off
> stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"...
>
> "the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
> stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air
> saying there will be no war with Germany"
>
> "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
> w****r"
>
> On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black,
> with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
>
> Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a
> greased stick out of a pig's bottom'
>
> On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:"there is a word to describe this car:
> it begins
> with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
> Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
> Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
> league of badness!"
>
> "some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people
> - and
> that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist
> pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that
> he's called the Stig!"
>
> "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
> Ethiopian transvestite"
>
> "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
> That's what
> gets you."
>
> 'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
> dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
>
> "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
> comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
> "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
> convertable was Adolf Hitler"
>
> (Fed up during the caravaning trip)"You aren't allowed to have a
> party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play
> ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park
> within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in
> bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
>
> "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
> Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've
> got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."
>
> (mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
> painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
>
> "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
> places quicker than I do?"
>
> Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars
> domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on
> the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not
> be an obstruction.
> Run them down to prove them wrong'
>
> "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from
> a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
> Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson
> shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a
> car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i"
>
> "Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
> because they don't have wheel-chair access"
>
> 1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live
> in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days
> in 10years"
> 2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a
> bit dodgy"
> 3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
> "Well Mr
> Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban
> prostitutes which way her parents voted"
>
> "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
> affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
> cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
>
> On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air
> force crashing into a firework factory"
>
> "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
> because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs
> and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
> tailgate..."
>
> "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the
> £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its
> just........"
> Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
> Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different
> league!"
>
> In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car,
> put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of
> their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he
> was.
>
> "the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God
> was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into
> them."
>
> Assessing Hammond's crash:Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the
> tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
> Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
> Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office
> on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife
> etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
> "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well- behaved...
> for a murderer."
>
> "I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty
> to be on my plate at supper time"
>
> "there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
> stitching... on their face"
>
> "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
> It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that
> it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of
> half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
>
> "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if
> you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it
> helps."
>
> "you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to
> stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a
> woman!"
>
> "During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green
> cars so here's one..." Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in
> bright green
>
> Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
> car...
> in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
> President.
>
> Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more
> attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a
> camel with gingivitis."
