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SupraStormRising

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SupraStormRising Newbie

SupraStormRising

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Here are a few jokes to make you smile on this wonderful Friday :)

 

A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."

 

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A man with a dog walked into a pub. The landlord said, "Sorry Sir, no dogs." Bluffing outrageously, the man said "I'm blind,.. its my Guide Dog". The landlord looks doubtful and said, "But its a Yorkshire Terrier." The dog owner put on a look of astonishment and said "What? But they told me it was a very small labrador!"

 

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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband

 

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him from his wife:

 

Dear Husband, You too are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love... don't wait up. Your Wife

 

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A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

 

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

 

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

 

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

 

:D Think that's enough for now!

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SupraStormRising Newbie

SupraStormRising

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Best Out of Office Auto Replies

 

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will

be deleted in the order it was received.

 

4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

 

6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

7: I've run away to join a different circus.

 

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE PRIZE:

 

8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

 

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Some eTruths

 

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise - pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

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The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

 

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name wait for it is

http://www.whorepresents.com

 

 

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at

http://www.expertsexchange.com

 

 

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

http://www.penisland.net

 

 

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

http://www.therapistfinder.com

 

 

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company

http://www.powergenitalia.com

 

 

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com

 

 

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always

http://www.ipanywhere.com

 

 

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is

http://www.cummingfirst.com

 

 

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:

http://www.speedofart.com

 

 

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at

http://www.gotahoe.com

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SupraStormRising Newbie

SupraStormRising

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:)

 

Heres one....

 

 

 

 

John Prescott

 

 

makes me laugh anyway

 

Rich

 

Or how about's this

 

How to feel good

1. Create a new file.

2. Name it "Gordon Brown"

 

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

 

4. Empty the recycle bin.

 

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Gordon Brown?"

 

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

 

7. Feel better.

 

:innocent:

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