Animal Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and f*cks the princess. GRINDCORE: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 45 seconds and then leaves... POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest. THRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f*cks her....... easy and quick. FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess. VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty mighty axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, loots the castle and burns it down before he leaves. DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f*cks the princess and kills her, then leaves. BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the deflowered princess. GORE METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f*cks the princess and kills her....then he f*cks her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, f*cks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f*cks it for the last time. DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as well. PROGRESSIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist goes to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory... the princess escapes, and is now looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist. GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter, he steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color. INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards. CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage." EMOCORE: The protagonists’ mother drives the protagonist and his friends to the castle. He kills the dragon with some awesome armspinning and spinkicking while his friends observing the scene with their arms crossed; then the princess laughes at the protagonists ridiculous hairstyle and the boys leave weeping and cut themselves NU METAL: The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire. NU THRASH METAL - The protagonist, who is about 12, arrives wearing hand-me down jeans, t-shirt and denim jacket which are two sizes too big. He kills the dragon in exactly the same way as the Thrash Metal protagonist, but with considerably less grace and charm. The princess is unsatisfied by his passionless, mediocre love-making, and the whole thing is a bit of an embarassment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigcol Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Ahhh the mists of Valhalla have subsided and i now understand fully, thank you Animal I feel enlightened;) ps. whats a protagonist? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monsween Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 hahaahah at Nu Metal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martin1982 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 What about a definition for Rap Metal? Remember you cant spell Crap without Rap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animal Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 What about a definition for Rap Metal? I'd lump that in with the Nu Metal rubbish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homer Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamc Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 class Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris2o2 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesF Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Lol at the Industrial and Emocore ones Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I think I might like Black Metal Good post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animal Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I think I might like Black Metal Unlikely. I can only listen to a few tracks before it starts to get a bit much. Although saying that, I've been listening to Cannibal Corpse for the last 5 hours and I think I'm starting to overdose. There's the infamous story of a BM singer who blew his brains out with a shotgun and when his bandmates found him, they re-arranged the body, took photos of it for their next album cover and took bits of his skull to make necklaces THEN phoned the police. It's all the Geordies' fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now