CJ Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 Probably a repost - but it made me chuckle. ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME ... 14th December Dearest Darling John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought. With deep affection, Your ever loving Agnes. -------------------------- 15th December My Dearest Darling John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I'm delighted, they are adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------------ 16th December Dearest Darling John, Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve. Such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind. Your loving, Agnes ------------------------- 17th December Dear John, What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much. Love Agnes ------------------------- 18th December My Dear John What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves. Love Agnes. ------------------------- 19th December Dear John When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody Great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop. Cordially yours, Agnes ------------------------- 20th December What is it with you and these f*cking birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of god damned joke? The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a Nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these f*cking birds !!! Agnes. ------------------- 21st December OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows crapping All over the house and mooing all night long. F*CK OFF !!!!!!! Agnes. ------------------------- 22nd December Look dickhead - what are you on ?? You're having a laugh. Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play.... When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the f*cking birds !!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted. Agnes. ------------------------- 23rd December You are a f*cking b*stard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation. F*CK OFF AND DIE JOHN, DO US ALL A FAVOUR !!!!!!! Agnes ------------------------ 24th December Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again. The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied ? You wanker Your sworn enemy, Agnes. ------------------------- 25th December You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve f*cking drummers, banging their f*cking drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the f*cking pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof!!!!! Bollocks to you, Agnes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 At least shes still communicating. I think theres a chance of reconcilliation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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