View Full Version : Club Competition #2
Posts that count at last!
Lukeyboy2k
23-02-07, 23:48
*posting frenzy*
paul ashton
23-02-07, 23:48
Bingo
Bingo 4 me.
I can still post and I'm disqualified. :d
Ooooo this is getting easier.
RobSheffield
23-02-07, 23:49
20 folks hoping to strike it lucky :)
moistfinger
23-02-07, 23:49
Bathtime fun
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
insert random word here just os i can post
i wana win,dont know why tho
Lukeyboy2k
23-02-07, 23:49
abc
cool i got the 1000th post :) woot
paul ashton
23-02-07, 23:49
Is it time for bed yet?
A Chinese man has reportedly been killed and eaten by six bears in Shulan, Jilin province.
Han Shigen earned a living by extracting bile from the gall bladders of his captive live bears, according to the Chinese state news agency Xinhua.
Lukeyboy2k
23-02-07, 23:49
def
I can still post and I'm disqualified. :d
how's that work? or do you just not get the lights if you win?
Where's my lights then?!!!
Insert some randon crap here.
London Olympics could cost £9bn
must be my lights by now. no yes
1285 yet
why that number?
paul ashton
23-02-07, 23:50
Where's my lights then?!!!
Keep trying.
moistfinger
23-02-07, 23:51
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
RobSheffield
23-02-07, 23:51
A Chinese man has reportedly been killed and eaten by six bears in Shulan, Jilin province.
Han Shigen earned a living by extracting bile from the gall bladders of his captive live bears, according to the Chinese state news agency Xinhua.
Did he not think he was asking for trouble :p
haha now it is gonna be fast posting :P
Lukeyboy2k
23-02-07, 23:51
22 vultures
im making a cuppa. anyone want one?
I've got PG Tips, Tetly Cranberry or Assam...
Oh and biscuits :D
anyone elses inbox filling up fast?
do you need my address for them ;)
Definitely vultures, the lot of us :d
http://www.internationalbasketball.com/tall-yaoming2.jpg
paul ashton
23-02-07, 23:52
im making a cuppa. anyone want one?
I've got PG Tips, Tetly Cranberry or Assam...
Oh and biscuits :D
Triple vodka for me.
Lukeyboy2k
23-02-07, 23:52
qwerty
moistfinger
23-02-07, 23:52
Elevator Magic
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
RobSheffield
23-02-07, 23:52
anyone elses inbox filling up fast?
You can turn that off fella :p
garetheves
23-02-07, 23:53
Is this still going on??
I don't know what I'm posting for - I've got a bloody facelift! :D
Lukeyboy2k
23-02-07, 23:53
The blonde was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.
moistfinger
23-02-07, 23:53
Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
Yes I think you should. Ok cool.
when will we know whos won?
http://thesuperficial.com/2007/02/jack_black_amuses_me.html
paul ashton
23-02-07, 23:54
This thread seems to be morphing into Mallet's Mallet.
Lukeyboy2k
23-02-07, 23:54
15 mins?
moistfinger
23-02-07, 23:54
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
RobSheffield
23-02-07, 23:54
Im hungry :(
Anyone watch Donny Darko this evening?
Wow, that's one weird film!
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
i like that one
Anyone want a glass of whisky??
Lukeyboy2k
23-02-07, 23:55
gotta
paul ashton
23-02-07, 23:55
Im hungry :(
So am i,and tired.
Anyone watch Donny Darko this evening?
Wow, that's one weird film!
Watched that a few times, very strange but good at the same time!
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Repost. :D
moistfinger
23-02-07, 23:56
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Why are cyclones and tornados usually named after women?
Because they don’t come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them
We offer a wide range of well-designed, functional home furnishing products at affordable prices.
Lets have a sing song!
Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And Id like to take a minute just sit right there
Ill tell you how I became the prince of a town called bel-air
(go on someone carry on)
bet Charlotte does ;)
suck out the middle
Yeah, that!
WHY CAN’T YOU TRUST WOMEN?
How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die?
Hear what Ford call their new shaped squared off circular dials?
Squircular.
RobSheffield
23-02-07, 23:58
Cant keep up :(
paul ashton
23-02-07, 23:58
Watched that a few times, very strange but good at the same time!
Try 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'.Brilliant if you appreciate the effects of drugs.
a spork?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spork
http://www.tadgear.com/images%20for%20pages/ti-spork.jpg
it will be over in 5 mins
I was actually reading this before, too much happening now!
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure
I can't do this all on my own, no I know, I'm no Superman....I'm no superman.
Common, it is bloody midnight - no lifers!
ok this is hurting my head
My missus thinks I'm mad posting all this random stuff.
I think she may be right.
RobSheffield
23-02-07, 23:59
Hear what Ford call their new shaped squared off circular dials?
Squircular.
Lovely word :)
moistfinger
23-02-07, 23:59
ehh!
Try 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'.Brilliant if you appreciate the effects of drugs.
has fook all on this effects of this thread lol
my missus just gone to bed,she thinks im mad
Try 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'.Brilliant if you appreciate the effects of drugs.
Never seen that actually. Speaking of drugs, just booked my Isle of Wight festival ticket today. I'm gonna be hungover for a week after that!
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
They want to.
RobSheffield
24-02-07, 00:00
I can't do this all on my own, no I know, I'm no Superman....I'm no superman.
Scrubs?
I can't do this all on my own, no I know, I'm no Superman....I'm no superman.
scrubs?
moistfinger
24-02-07, 00:00
Space For Rent
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent
had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
my missus just gone to bed,she thinks im mad
I know how that feels :D
A teenager has been locked up by a judge after he was involved in robbing a motorcyclist of his machine during a late-night attack.
http://www.thetelegraphandargus.co.uk/display.var.1216574.0.teenager_locked_up_for_motorbike_theft.php
You are offending me to my very core.
paul ashton
24-02-07, 00:00
top
tip
theres fuc* all on tv too
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.
Is there a second prize?
I never come first. ;)
spork spork spork spork!!!!!
R3DG3CKO ROB
24-02-07, 00:01
I just watched 'The Good Shepherd' My god that was hard work... 3 hours long!!!!
i dont even know why i want to win these
moistfinger
24-02-07, 00:01
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
paul ashton
24-02-07, 00:01
suck
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don’t have balls.
Space For Rent
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent
had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
sorry, no time to read...must make stupid post..
RobSheffield
24-02-07, 00:01
i dont even know why i want to win these
Ditto
Penis for the win
The odds are stacked against the vagina to be fair.
I just watched 'The Good Shepherd' My god that was hard work... 3 hours long!!!!
The Next Karate Kid for me. Not the same with Hilary Swank instead of Daniel-san
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?
Because they’re ugly and they smell.
paul ashton
24-02-07, 00:02
54321
Are we there yet....Are we there yet....Are we there yet :d
i dont even know why i want to win these
win what? i thought this was general friday night banter!
The odds are stacked against the vagina to be fair.
whoever owns them odds is a lucky man
R3DG3CKO ROB
24-02-07, 00:03
Al Murray Rocks :)
The European PS3 will play fewer older games than the Japanese and American consoles, Sony says.
.............are we there yet?
1285 wins
Nearly there mate! Conspiracy theories will reign if it wins though!
ok are we all a little bit sad!!! ;)
are you feeling lucky punk......
paul ashton
24-02-07, 00:03
Are we there yet....Are we there yet....Are we there yet :d
No,only another 48 hours to go.
Wondered how they choose the number ?
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone
moistfinger
24-02-07, 00:03
Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
The odds are stacked against the vagina to be fair.
:d True
ok falling asleep doing all this scrolling
paul ashton
24-02-07, 00:04
:d True
Aye
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
R3DG3CKO ROB
24-02-07, 00:04
she will be mine... oh yes... she will be mine....
RobSheffield
24-02-07, 00:04
Eyes glazing over :(
moistfinger
24-02-07, 00:04
Age Quotes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt
The screwdriver is not a toy
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
lol!
i cant wait to get my hands on that trd spoiler...
paul ashton
24-02-07, 00:05
Bedtime please,up at4.
Feeling sleeeeepy....scrooooolllinggggg....zzzzz :p
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
Marriage.
wa hey just made 400 posts,god im bored
R3DG3CKO ROB
24-02-07, 00:05
I aint got time to bleed... You got time to duck?
shouldnt you all be in bed by now?
that bird on ITV now is fit :) why am i strangly drawn into watching that crap!
RobSheffield
24-02-07, 00:05
21 potential winners
Yyyyyyyyyyyyooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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